Honest

If I was going to be completely honest about this pregnancy, it would be this: I have been overwhelmed and scared and feeling a bit sorry for myself.

Because here’s the thing, when it comes right down to it, I hate surprises. I hate when life doesn’t go according to plan. And this baby…not according to my plan.

Of  course we had always planned on having a second child and most likely a third, but this right now? Uh…no.

At two days shy of 13 weeks, my stomach is starting to round out and my daily uniform of jeans and t-shirts are getting a little uncomfortable. I even went to the basement this week and dug out my bins of maternity clothes, putting my bella band in my sock drawer, knowing I was just days (hours) away from needing it. All the while, feeling apprehensive and resentful. I just wasn’t sure I was ready to be pregnant again. To give up my body again. To give up sleep again. To do the whole newborn thing again. To give up so much of myself…again.

Because if I’m being brutally honest, my little world has had the boat rocked enough in the last few months. With Aaron’s career transition and Jack turning a year old, our lives feel busy and full. It doesn’t help that my contract work is looking a little shaky this year due to some stuff going on at my workplace. All of a sudden our budget looks a lot tighter and the anticipation of a new baby felt more like a burden then a hopeful expectation.

But today, everything changed.

I went in for an appointment with my midwife and after I did the requisite weight check and pee in a cup, it was time to listen to the heartbeat.

Except we couldn’t find it.

After several long minutes, another nurse was called in and she brought a different doppler. ‘Don’t worry honey,’ the first nurse cooed at me. ‘This happens sometimes because the baby is still so small.’ Quickly, both nurses had both dopplers going, pressing and pushing on my stomach, whispering encouragement. ‘With my first we heard the heartbeat on doppler at nine weeks,’ I heard myself say. No one answered me. Nothing but the sound of my own pulse, racing faster and faster, echoed in the now silent room. ’Do you carry high,’ they asked me?

Finally, my midwife came in. By this point my heart is pounding, I’m sweating and tears are pooling in my eyes. All I can think is, ‘No….please, please, please….no!’ A few more minutes go by and still no heartbeat. Finally, the nurse goes to see if the ultrasound tech is available and before I know it I’m being ushered down the hall to have an ultrasound. No hallway has ever been so long.

I closed my eyes tight as the ultrasound began, not able to look at the screen. ‘Look at your baby,’ the tech said. There he/she was, dancing and squirming away, unaware of all the drama going on. She lit up the baby’s pumping heart and turned the doppler up loud. I have never heard a sweeter sound; the strong and steady beat of my baby’s heart.

Tonight, my attitude is changed. Almost like being hit with a ton of bricks, I am soaking up my true reality: I do have room in my heart for another baby. I get to be a mother again. My baby is alive and well and while I don’t know the future, if I was going to be completely honest, I am humbled and so delighted.

We are having a baby. A miracle. A blessing. Another perfect addition to our family. We are so lucky.

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