In The Trenches…

Today was one of those days.

You know, the days you aren’t really supposed to talk about as a mom.

One of those days where there’s yelling and tantruming and an all around lack of patience and I’m not talking about my 1-year-old…I’m talking about me. Instead of recognizing my child’s need for attention, structure, activity and focus; I forged ahead with my own agenda and then got frustrated when my son wouldn’t adhere to my schedule. I was intent on cleaning out closets and checking email and running errands.

And not that those are bad things to do…it’s just that I know that my agenda was all about myself today. I was all about what I wanted, when I wanted it and surprise surprise…the day imploded.

So…yeah…it was one of those today.

We ate a hurried dinner and I hastily handed Jack off for Aaron to handle and I escaped to a coffee shop to get work done and have some ‘me’ time. Because somehow I deserved ‘time off’ and a ‘break.’

Except all I could do was think about what a miserable day it had been. I ran through all the reasons my life was so hard and why I was justified in my short temper. The only problem was even with all my rationalizations I didn’t feel any better. In fact, I felt worse.

Because in my heart I knew Jack wasn’t the problem. It was me. I called home to see if Jack was still awake. ‘Sorry babe,’ Aaron said. ‘He’s been in bed for 20 minutes, sound asleep.’

Oh well, I told myself. Tomorrow is a new day. I’ll do better tomorrow. I tried to get some more work done but I just felt like I needed to be home. After staring at a blank computer screen for a few more minutes, I packed up and headed home.

Walking into the house, I decided to check on Jack and give him a kiss since I hadn’t said goodnight. I opened the door to his room and a little head popped up from his crib. ‘Hi Mama!’

Oh sweet boy. We snuggled up in the rocking chair and the whole day melted away. All the yuckiness, all the frustration. We sang a few songs and named body parts and talked about where the moon is and what a dog says.

Just when I thought the day was a bust and that I had completely failed; a sweet little mercy washed over the entire family…an opportunity to end the day on a positive note. To end the day the way the entire day should have been…with love and kindness and a little bit of silliness and a whole lot of intention.

I whispered a prayer of forgiveness, kissed my babe a hundred more times and snuck out of his room with a happy heart and a settled spirit.

As a mom, I fail. Every day.


I get to start over, sometimes even on the same day, and I am so thankful. And tomorrow I vow to be the mom my son needs me to be and the mom I want to be.

Thank goodness for tomorrows.


4 Responses to “In The Trenches…”

  1. 1 Stacey May 19, 2010 at 5:41 am

    I can relate to this so much. It feels as though lately we’ve been so busy and when we are home, I’m cleaning and doing laundry when I feel like we should be at the park or outside, even though the weather has been crappy, I still feel bad about it.

    I’ve made a decision that since this weekend is supposed to be nice that I will do everything in my power to make it more about him.

  2. 2 colleen May 19, 2010 at 6:52 am

    Thank You Andrea…

  3. 3 cate May 19, 2010 at 11:05 am

    Amen!!! I hate those days…and end them the same way you did!

  4. 4 itsybitsymama May 21, 2010 at 7:32 am

    Ah, to start over fresh. You are a good mom and good moms have rough days–hoping you are doing well and feeling good!

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