Where I get Brave

Now that’s a blog title.

Blogs can be weird. It’s a place where I come to share with the world a snapshot of my life. And yet, as more and more people I know and love read this little thing, the more censored and careful I feel like I need to be. I wouldn’t want to offend…or show-off, or come off as a know-it-all or an idiot. Get my point?

But it’s good to be true to myself. It’s good to share.  

Life is funny sometimes isn’t it? As twilight set in last night. I sat on the deck and watched as my son tried to carry two wiffle balls, a baseball bat and a t-ball tee across the lawn. He was shrieking in frustration as he  kept dropping various toys. The longer he shuffled along, loosing his grip, the louder he would yell.  The crying set in but he was undeterred. He was going to get his toys to his destination one way or the other.

At first I sort of chuckled watching him juggle and stumble across the lawn, calling to him to set something down, make two trips. But he didn’t understand me and he was so lost in his frustration that he couldn’t accept my help. I went to him and offered to carry something, but he refused. He was convinced that he had to do it himself. 

And all at once, I felt like I was looking in a mirror. My son and his juggling act was a mirror image of my relationship with my Creator. I have an agenda. I want what I want when I want it. I have the perfect plan for my life and I know with enough effort I can accomplish it. I refuse to accept defeat even when it’s obvious I need help.

And yet, God in his graciousness, met me in that stubborn place. And he whispered a truth in my ear I hadn’t heard in so long.

 I delight in you.

 And that simple statement washed over me like a spring rain. Refreshing. Hydrating. Healing.

I have an odd combination in personality: a people-pleasing perfectionist with a healthy dose of procrastination. This means I have lofty goals and super high expectations of myself. I can do a lot. I can handle babies and projects and social commitments and a marriage and renovations and freelance work and not blink an eye. It also means that I’m stressed, late, constantly behind, pulled in a hundred directions and have a vague sense of failure almost all the time.

May the God of Hope fill you with joy and peace, as you trust Him; so that you may overflow with hope, by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

If you have read between the lines of my blog in the last 6 months or more, I sway wildly between “I love my kids and my life!” to “This sucks, I’m screwing up, HELP!” And really, that is the pendulum swing of motherhood. It’s nothing new, and it will certainly come and go again as life goes on, but I’ve felt for a long time that something has been missing, yet couldn’t put my finger on it.

Until this weekend, when I went (with some hesitancy) on a women’s retreat with my church. Although I was going with several dear friends (and Luke!), I didn’t know what to expect and was skeptical at what I would hear and be asked to participate in. I wasn’t interested in an inauthentic or cheesy experience.

What I came away with was an overwhelming sense of being loved. There was Someone who would help carry my load.

I can make two trips.

I can start over.

I can lay down my burdens and He will carry them.

Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden light. Matthew 11:28-30

I would be a fool to say I have it all figured out. Or that this is the end point for me in my journey of faith. But last weekend was  refueling and encouraging and needed more than words can do justice to.

As I enter this lenten season, I am working hard to close down my racing mind and allow my heart to be open.


2 Responses to “Where I get Brave”

  1. 1 Tysa March 11, 2011 at 10:30 am

    I know that feeling all too well. I end up being described as superwoman by my friends, and shaking my head thinking, anything but!

  2. 2 Jessi Parkert March 11, 2011 at 12:05 pm

    This was a beautiful post and very uplifting for me as well. Thank you for always being honest and open. Love you friend!

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